Dirty Bathroom

I was at a restaurant the other day when I encountered a terrible combination: A "pull" restroom exit and hand dryers instead of paper towls. So how am I supposed to get out of the freaking bathroom?

See, I'm not really a germophobe; it's just that I hate germs. The crux of the matter is that lots of people are just plain gross. I know this because there are many times when I'm in the bathroom doing my thing, hear the *flush* of a neighboring toilet, and then do NOT hear the sink. Those people who just touched their manhood are touching the door with their horrid hands. The door that I'll have to touch in a minute. Right before I go back to eating my food.

And it's even worse than that. If a person can't be bothered to wash their hands after something as gross as going to the bathroom, what else are they touching without washing their hands?

I can only imagine.

So this door handle is now worse than the loaf of moldy bread at the bottom of a disused dumpster in a pool of stagnant water housing a colony of mosquito larve. And I get to touch it and then finish eating my dinner! Yum!

Surely others have this problem, but I never hear anyone discussing it at any length. That forces me to consider that my friends do this, too, and so I may have to turn them in. In my mind, this is nothing less than bioterrorism, and the Department of Homeland Security should go after them. I'm happy to help.

This door is a "Red" on the Terror Alert Scale.
I've no doubt it could incapacitate a city block.

So back to the problem. Normally I'd grab a piece of paper towel, open the door, and throw out the towel. Not an option. Some bathrooms (too few) have this cool hook that allows you to open the door with your forearm. Not an option. I'm absolutely stuck.

My mind goes through a few possible scenarios, most of them completely impractical.

Not likely.

The one that seems more promising is to wait for someone else to open the door and pretend that I just happened to be leaving at the same time, but that's not easy to pull off. I mean, I can act at little bit, but not in a bathroom, where awkward eye contact may occur.

And what if no one comes? I could be there a long time.

So, if you ever walk into a bathroom and see a man with tattered clothes huddled in a corner, now you know why. Just be sure to say hello because I'm actually quite friendly.